Tenerife’s first sitcom writers?
By Joe | May 6, 2008
Life is pretty exciting at the moment. Sometimes it can be a plain bore, a never ending succession of menial features to write, facts to check, chores to avoid and kid’s toys to mend. At the moment though, it’s EXCITING. Sorry, I shouted.
I’m currently awaiting the verdict on a sitcom that I’ve co-written with a long-standing friend and colleague, Lee Bullen. Normally more adept at scratching out witty cartoons and catchy graphics, Bully - as his friends call him (you can call him Mr. Bullen until you buy him beer) - turns out to be mighty fine at writing too!
Anyway, we knocked up the first episode of a new TV sitcom in record time, fuelled by Jack Daniels and Farley’s Rusks (not in the same glass, you freak), and have sent said sitcom to a professional script consultant in Blighty. This one.
Currently, Bully and myself are awaiting a summons to the land they call the BBC, to be awarded immediate fame and glory and a handsome commission to write more. Toothbrush and tux are at the ready. You’re all invited to the opening party, by the way.
All will be revealed this time next week apparently, when the fruits of our labour will be returned with flourishes of red pen and a yay or nay as to whether it has potential. Handily, the analyst in question is chummy with several commissioner-types and promises to insert a word in the right ear should he deem our sitcom as worthy.
But even if it doesn’t make the grade, I have several other cunning plans up my sleeve. All of which make me tingly with excitement. These will be revealed in good time.
In the meantime, watch this space.
No, not that one.
The bit above, where my next post will appear.
Topics: Writing tips, Life in general, Tenerife, Writing Clips, General musings | 1 Comment »
Have you got The Nerve?
By Joe | April 16, 2008
In a bold and audacious move, I have signed up to be an executive producer at Nerve TV, the world’s first crowd-sourced media company. All sounds very grand, but what the heck does it mean?
Well, it means I can now bounce around ideas I have for TV programmes with similar like-minded people and industry insiders. It also means those ideas, if deemed worthy by the Nerve ’suits’, will be fast-tracked straight onto the laps of the people who commission such programmes in the UK, US and OZland.
And why have I joined such a creative band of wandering miscreants?
Because I can.
And so can you.
Have a look at what The Times had to say about our band of merrymen here then head over to Nerve HQ and see what all the fuss is about.
They say we all have a book inside us, we’ve also all got an idea for the next BIG TV programme in us. Share your idea… you never know, it could be THE ONE. Bigger than Big Brother, ‘Stenders, X-Factor and Kerry Katona’s mouth all put together. And if it is, you get 50% of the spondoonies (profits, in accountancy speak).
That means if the programme idea is Simon Cowell-esque enough, your days of sitting on the floor eating other people’s leftovers with your fingers are over. Or is that just me? Tell me it’s not. Please.
Anyways, I’m not one for banging on, but this Nerve thing is really taking off big-time with the Beeb, Channel 4 and other media mogulites worldwide. Lordy, I’ve even just gone and bought a TV channel in New Zealand! Well, not me personally actually, but the organisation has. I could just about afford the remote control batteries - a vital component of media vision nonetheless.
So, in a pistachio shell, get on board while the offer is still open.
As those lottery people say, It could be you…
Or you.
Or you.
(Hopefully I’m banking on it being me, though, so tough.)
Topics: Life in general, General musings | 1 Comment »
More writing tips, but this time from someone who REALLY knows WTF he’s on about
By Joe | March 22, 2008
Love this post about Stephen King’s attitude to writing, and particularly about not being afraid to use your own voice. So much of what you read from new writers is written in the way that they think they should be writing, writing by the book instead of writing the book, if you like. You’ve got to use your own style and not give a flying F if that’s not the way you’ve been taught to write. Approach your writing with your fists clenched and in the frame of mind that it’s going to kick ass. Then see what happens.
“At nineteen they can card you in the bars and tell you to get the fuck out, put your sorry act (and even sorrier ass) back on the street, but they can’t card you when you sit down to paint a picture, write a poem, or tell a story, by God, and if you reading this happen to be very young, don’t let your elders and supposed betters tell you any different. Sure, you’ve never been to Paris. No, you never ran with the bulls at Pamplona. Yes, you’re a pissant who had no hair in your armpits until three years ago - but so what? If you don’t start out too big for your britches, how are you gonna fill ‘em when you grow up? Let it rip regardless of what anybody tells you, that’s my idea; sit down and smoke that baby.”
- Taken from King’s introduction to the revised edition of The Dark Tower I: The Gunslinger.
And thanks to Amy Palko of Lives Less Ordinary (who is writing a thesis on Stephen King) for bringing it to the public domain.
http://writetodone.com/2008/03/20/stephen-kings-greatest-lesson-for-writers/
Topics: Writing tips | No Comments »
The Tenerife malaise
By Joe | February 15, 2008
Note to self: You’re 43 years of age, a parent of two toddlers and a professional writer. It’s time you got organised.
Now I know I recently had a rant about the shambolic organisation of the Elton John soiree but I’m putting myself in the stocks here. If you want to throw things at me, please make sure they’re soft. And light. Fluffy preferably.
I’m a procrastinator, a firm believer in the adage of ‘Why do something today if you can put it off until tomorrow’. Very Tenerife, and very lazy, I know. But I think the time has come to change my ways. Two days ago I was sat at my computer calmly idling my time away scraping my cuticles back with a bent paper clip, thinking I had plenty of time before my next deadline, when up pops an email from one of my regular editors; ‘Hi there, just wondering when we can expect your feature?’
I checked my list-of-things-to-do-and-how-long-I’ve-got-left-to-do-them convinced that five days of cuticle smartening separated the present from the day of submission. Wrong!! I’d inadvertently put in the wrong deadline date and was now two days over on a piece I had yet to start researching. Add to that I had started with a cold that had glued my sinuses together and attached sharp little vices to every bone in my body. Work was the last thing that I wanted to do. Then again, it usually is.
Needless to say, I fired off an apologetic email detailing my malaise - but omitting to mention my lack of brain activity - and cracked on like a dog with its tail on fire. Happily I finished the feature in record time, and all is well again (I think), with this particular editor, but why oh why am I still so fucking disorganised after 43 years on the planet?
Is it because I live in Tenerife? Would I have the efficiency of a diamond-encrusted timepiece if I lived in Switzerland? Would I be as organised as a civil servant if my home was in Germany? Somehow I doubt it. I think I’m just crap at coordinating my life.
My cuticles look neat though, if anybody cares to have a look.
Topics: Life in general, Tenerife, General musings | 1 Comment »
Writing tips
By Joe | January 29, 2008
I seem to be getting quite a few emails from people in the UK recently asking how you go about becoming a writer. Funny how things like this come in batches. My first thoughts when I get two or three enquiries a day is that it’s a friend winding me up. I spend time on answering and they come back with ‘Ha! Gotcha, you loser.’ However, it’s not (I think). These are general requests for help, not one of my numpty mates with too much time and too little sense. So I’d thought I’d start sharing my responses. Maybe that way I won’t get so many emails, which means my inbox will have more room for those lovely messages suggesting I improve my manhood, or from my old mate Dr. Rabbadabba Dickmulch who has just inherited £1,000,000 and wants to share it with me, for a small fee.
Anyways, first tip as follows…
If you have all the technical skills necessary for writing, ie a grasp of grammar, an extensive vocabulary and the ability to put words in the right order, the best advice I can give you is to remember this…
The only difference between WANTING to be a writer and actually BEING a writer is that one actually gets words down on paper.
I know from experience that there’s a great deal of excitement to be had from planning your book/feature and imagining it being read by others. Whilst this is definitely part of the writing process, at some stage it must be replaced by actually sitting down and filling the screen. Procrastination is the writer’s worst enemy - apart from a room full of screaming kids, of course.
Get your thoughts down on paper/screen, whatever they may be. Then, when you’ve got enough of them, go back and arrange them into some kind of logical order. NOW you have a book forming.
Topics: Writing tips, General musings | 2 Comments »
Elton John has now left the building
By Joe | January 25, 2008
*** WARNING *** The following post contains language that may offend those of a sensitive nature.
Just back from the Elton gig and contrary to the rumours flying round, I can assure you that it WAS Elton John and not a Las Americas lookalike ‘avin’ a larf.
So what was the event like? Sugar and shite, to be honest.
First up, the sweet stuff.
Fair play and big respect for the promoters who actually pulled off this commendable feat. To lure a living legend to our wee rock was a fait accomplit to be lauded. But be honest, we’re a cynical bunch on this rock, and how many of you that live here had doubts that…
A). He’d even show up
B). It would be an impersonator
C). He’d roll up late, perform a couple of ditties and then bugger off back to lah-lah land?
Well, as I said, it was definitely Him and he did give a ‘clinical’ performance.
So now comes the bad stuff.
How bleedin’ hard is it to organise that a pre-determined number of people get into a pre-prepared venue at a pre-specified time? I mean, come on guys! This wasn’t the first ever gig in Tenerife but yet again, those responsible for traffic flow, marshalling and customer relations f***ed up BIG TIME.
Would it be a revelation to suggest that signs were erected sporadically to inform people which queue they were supposed to be in? We’re talking crayons and pencils here, not friggin’ rocket science!!
I personally had the pleasure of experiencing all the queues before finally settling on the right one - more through fortune than any semblance of crowd supervision.
One and a half hours after finding my correct line, I and at least a thousand others were still queuing patiently like a twat when Elton burst onto stage and began the show.
And why was it taking so long to get bodies inside? Because the three entrances to the venue were about as wide as my grandma’s patio door. Not great foresight, it has to be said.
Having bought the second most expensive tickets - 90 euros for standing in the front paddock - I was a little alarmed that three quarters of the population of the Canaries were sharing the very same queue. As it was, I could have paid the lowest price (35 euros), or even nothing as it happened. By the time we had been let in, nobody was even looking at tickets and a mad dash for the front ensued. We were elbow to elbow… no, kidney to kidney, with people who had paid 35 euros, 120 euros and chancers who had forked out bugger all.
There were at least 3 times as many people in the front paddock as there should have been. It would have been funny had events like Hillsborough not dampened any hint of humour that can be found in dangerous situations like this.
As for the gig itself, thumbs up to the band, and the mixing crew - the sound was great, and many of the old faithful were belted out with satisfactory gusto. It might have been nice if Elton had spoken to the audience a bit more, apart from the obligatory “You’ve been the best crowd blah, blah, blah,” if only to recognise the fact that we’d had to run the gauntlet of fuckwits who were supposed to be shepherding people in an organised and logical manner in time for the start of the show.
But all in all, a fantastic event for Tenerife. Shame the tourism authorities are too weak to make sure that worthwile promotion is afforded to having a superstar play on the island. You guys have GOT to make the most of this kind of event!
And once again, shame on you if you were responsible for marshalling and crowd control. You should be flayed alive then dipped in spicy mojo. Get a life, or even better, get an education. Learn from others. It doesn’t take a lot to go to a concert in the UK or the mainland and see how they manage the crowd admittance there, does it?
So bring on the next stars - Santana, U2, The Police, whoever? But just make sure you jeffing well bring in the crowds a damn sight better than you did at Reggie’s do.
Topics: Tenerife, General musings | 5 Comments »
Fill your stockings in Tenerife
By Joe | December 19, 2007
Anybody looking for a last-minute stocking filler might like to pop down to the Albatross bar in Costa del Silencio, opposite Coral Mar, next Sunday (23rd). I’ll be there signing copies of THE AWARD-WINNING More Ketchup than Salsa: Confessions of a Tenerife barman (did I mention it won an award?) from 7pm.
Joy (heroine of the book) will also be there, though not signing copies, unless you want her to of course. But to do that you’ll have to ply her away from the Martini and Soda she’ll be hugging. Better still buy her one. Mine’s a Jack Daniels and Coke if you’re feeling festive or want to congratulate me on the AWARD. Did I mention it won an award?
Topics: More Ketchup than Salsa, Tenerife | No Comments »
And now he is…!
By Joe | November 15, 2007
Elton John to play Tenerife (for sure this time!)
It would now appear the Elton John definitely IS going to grace the sunny shores of Tenerife as part of his Red Piano tour. Reggie’s official website has the following news article, with a link to his tour itinerary, which, yes, does include Arona, Tenerife. Whoopee (I think - though this IS Tenerife and things are liable to change/be cocked up!)
First ever Canary Islands concert for Elton and the BandElton and the band are to play a concert at the Estadio Olimpico Antonio Dominguez, Arona, Tenerife, Canary Islands, Spain, on Thursday, January 24, 2008.
This concert, part of the ongoing Rocket Man tour, will be Elton’s debut concert in the Canary Islands.
Topics: Tenerife, General musings | No Comments »
Award-winning Tenerife travel writer, I’ll have you know!
By Joe | November 12, 2007
Well there’s a turnip for the books.
More Ketchup than Salsa, my book about swapping a career in fish entrails on Bolton fish market for a life as a British bar owner in Tenerife was voted ‘Best Travel Narrative 2007′ at the British Guild of Travel Writers’ swanky awards ceremony held at the Savoy in London last night.
That means I can now officially tag myself as ‘award-winning travel writer’. It also means I’m a fair bit of cash happier, and my mother is as proud as a proud thing.
I’d like to thank…zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Topics: More Ketchup excerpts, More Ketchup than Salsa, Tenerife | 9 Comments »
Tenerife travel agents training video!
By Joe | October 5, 2007
Topics: Life in general, Tenerife, General musings | No Comments »